Adam

I miss you. More than I can make sense of to myself. We were not close, not anymore. But it has been over a year now that you've been gone, and I still think about you and miss you every single day. I have a lot of regrets, about the time we spent together, and the time that we didn't. I loved you, not in a romantic way, and it hurts that I can never tell you that. I did not reach out to you when I had the chance. I never told you how much I appreciated you, how proud I was of who you had become. Now, I don't know what to do with all the feelings I have bottled up inside of me. I have never believed in heaven, or an afterlife, but there is a part of me now that hopes that there is one, so that I can know that you are safe and happy somewhere beyond this world. I miss you my friend, more than I can ever say.

non-Physical Abuse

I belong to an online Domestic Violence Support Group. Another member recently asked the group to share their experiences of verbal abuse. Below is my response. I wanted to put it up here, because I think it explains a lot about what the life of an abused woman is like (or at least, what it was like for me), outside of the physical abuse. The truth is, the physical abuse is only a small part of the big picture, but that is the part that is most recognized in media, etc. I could add a lot more to what I wrote, about how my life was for those years, but I didn't want to make it any longer than it already is.

"I am a survivor of emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuse. While the physical wounds heal, the physical and sexual abuse are really just another tool they use to further the emotional abuse - the hitting isn't about the physical wounds they can cause, it is about putting them in control, breaking us down emotionally, making us afraid. And physical/sexual abuse rarely happens by itself, and is normally not the first kind of abuse the abuser will use. If the victim is not broken down by the verbal and emotional abuse, they probably wouldn't stand for the physical and sexual abuse. When people say that they would rather have the physical abuse than the verbal/emotional, I really feel they don't understand what someone like me has gone through. The emotional effects of the physical and sexual violence have been very tough to deal with going forward - it is impossible for me to have a "normal" relationship with my current partner, because sex and being touched and things like that are a nightmare for me. It is not the physical violence itself that is at issue, it is the emotional effects of the physical/sexual violence that are long-lasting, in much the same way as those of the emotional/verbal abuse. I am not meaning to come down on anyone for the things they have said, or in any way minimize the horrible damage done by emotional and verbal abuse - I understand the toll this kind of abuse takes, I was a victim of it as well. I just feel that it is important for others here to understand what I and other women like me have been through, and that different kinds of abuse do not exist in a vacuum, they are interconnected. When a woman says to me that her husband isn't that bad, because he is only verbally/emotionally abusive and controlling, women need to understand that it is not the case that physical abusers are a totally different kind of animal - they are just at a different point on the continuum and could move to the level of physical violence under the right circumstances (and yes, all of us have said that he would never do that, if we believed he would, we would never have gotten involved with him)

As far as emotional/verbal abuse goes:
I was terrorized by my ex, constantly kept on my toes - he was so unpredictable. Nothing I ever did was right. Everything bad that ever happened was my fault in one way or another. I was a whore - everything I did was for the direct purpose of cheating on him. Telemarketer calls or wrong numbers were just a sneaky way for me to talk with my many boyfriends, according to him. There were so many rules about what I was to do and not do, and they were always changing, and no matter how hard I tried to follow them, he would always find some way I slipped up, or change the rules on me again. I was stupid (he used to tell me I was the stupidest smart person he ever met - I have an IQ of 160, enough college units to get my masters degree), I was a horrible mother, I was an awful wife, I couldn't keep house, I couldn't cook, I couldn't drive right, iron his clothes correctly, and on and on. I was the reason his friends wouldn't come around, that his latest mistress broke up with him, that he was passed over again for a promotion. All my friends and family were just trying to poison me against him and control my life, it was none of their business what went on in our household. Threats were made against my friends, family, and any man I ever got involved with (after the marraige was over). Everything I did was to try to ruin his life, or make him look bad. Even after I left him, he would show up at my house or my job or my friends houses, spy on me, read my mail/email, check the caller ID on my phone. I had to account for every minute of my time - if I didn't show up at home until 5 minutes later than usual after work, I must have been out fooling around (this is 2 years after I left the jerk!). He would threaten to kill or hurt himself, and say it was my fault, that everyone would blame me. He spread rumors about me among the moms at my kids school and among our mutual friends - that he was the caring, devoted father and husband, and I was a whore running around with men while he took care of our kids. He used scripture from the Bible to try to show me what an awful person I was and that I was going to hell.

Threats of physical violence and sexual assault were constant, and much more common than actual violence. I was constantly told that he was going to kill me, run away with my kids. And when that happened, no one would bother to show up to my funeral because no one gave a damn what happened to me. Usually physical/sexual violence was used if the emotional abuse/terrorizing/manipulation didn't work. After raping me he would tell me what a dead f**k I was was, how much all his other girls enjoyed having sex with him, etc. He delighted in telling me how inadequate I was sexually, how awful my body was (I am 5'7" and weighed 110lbs or less at that time). But as awful as I was physically, that was all any man would ever want of me.

Jeez, I haven't thought about a lot of this stuff in quite awhile. It helps to remember sometimes, so I can see how far I've come since then, and remember why it has been so tough."

Dreaming of you...

I dreamt of my abuser last night. In my dream, he didn't hurt me, didn't touch me, didn't even come near me. I only caught a glimpse of him, and that was enough to put me in a state of fear and total loss of confidence. I woke up feeling those same feelings, in a way only he can make me feel, and they have stayed with me so far this morning. I haven't seen the man in 2 1/2 years. He is locked up in prison, and I know in my head that I am safe. I have a totally different life now. And yet, a simple dream, and I am right back in the thick of it. The saddest part for me is that all those feelings are thrust onto my fiance, and he ends up feeling like he is the bad guy, when really, its that ghost in my head that is to blame.

If I can't even stand up to him in my dreams, in my thoughts, what will happen if and when I have to face him one day? Will I be able to be strong, and show him that he can't push me around any more? Or will that scared, timid little girl that I carry around inside of me show her face, and let him know that he still has power over me?

It is easy to put on a happy face to the world, that I am confident and unafraid, that I have taken my power back, and he does not have control over me anymore. Its a lot harder to prove that to myself.

Do they ever really go away?

It has been over 2 years since I last saw my abuser. A lot has changed in that time. Unfortunately, more has stayed the same than I like to admit - my healing process is lagging far behind my expectations. Even in that, I push myself to be an overacheiver, and it is disheartening that I am not meeting my own expectations. Every one tells me, give it time, things will get better. Well, goddamn it, 2 years seems like plenty of time, and I want it to be better right now. I am tired of being this way. I just want to be normal. Unfortunately, normal seems like an unreachable goal. I really have my doubts that I will ever be what I consider to be "normal" ever again.

The real reason for this post is that my ex (hereafter known as Knucklehead) has been resurfacing a bit lately. He is currently serving a 5 year sentence in state prison for child molestation (he has served a total of 8 days in prison for all of the abuse against me). I have a civil restraining order against him that covers me and my children, and the divorce granted me complete physical and legal custody, and no visitation rights to him. When he first went to prison in August 2006, he wrote me and the kids laughable letters (apparently, he has done nothing wrong in the eyes of the Lord, and he forgives me for all that I have done to hurt him, and knows that I will be waiting for him, so we can resume our happy family life together when he gets out. And he told the kids that I am the reason he is no longer in their life, and that he is in prison now. As if I wasn't going to read the letters if I had any intention of giving them to the kids at all. Which I did not). I made a call to the prison, and they nipped that in the bud straight away.

Recently we have started getting letters addressed to the kids from Knucklehead's father, a.) as if I would give them to the kids, and b.) leave us the heck alone already! Knucklehead's family had next to nothing to do with our children when we were together, and has completely disappeared off the map for the past 2+ years. And now they want to be involved with them?! Uh, no way. So, the letters have been returned to sender. They have been re-sent 2 more times since, and again returned. And they will continue to be returned no matter how many times they come back. I suppose if it continues, I will have to take a more direct approach. But I'm hoping if I keep sending them back, he will give up. He is as toxic as his son, and I would prefer not to have anything to do with him.

On top of that, there was a man in front of us in line at the post office last weekend that bore a striking resemblance to Knucklehead. It was all I could do to force myself to stay in line, and not have a panic attack. Once outside, my older son indicated that he had noticed him too, and it "totally creeped him out." Which was, sadly, a relief to hear. Sometimes I just need confirmation that I'm not totally off my rocker for the way I feel.

My Latest Dysfunctionality

I realized this weekend an increasing aversion to being around other people. For the better part of a year, I have been struggling with an intense lonliness. Since I got out of the forced isolation that was imposed by my ex, I haven't repopulated my life with friends. When I was forcibly isolated, I would seek out the company of others, even at the risk of my safety. Mind you, I've never been a particularly social person, never had a huge number of friends to begin with. But now, there are a total of zero. None. Outside of my SO, I have nobody. On Saturday, he had some friends in town visiting, and invited me to hang out since they are a couple of moms. I was so uncomfortable and felt so out of place. I did everything I could not to have anything to do with these women. I sat by myself, or in the car, I absorbed myself in my book. After the kids finished skateboarding, we were all going to go to dinner together, but I wimped out and came home to be by myself. I see myself doing the same thing in other situations. At the gym, or in yoga, I do my exercises and go home - no socializing. Even looking people in the eye or any sort of social gesture is very hard for me with people I don't already know. It's interesting, because if I have a reason to interact with someone, say for work, I am fine. I can interact with my customers, co-workers, etc with no problem. However, things like making unsolicited phone calls are tough. I over analyze, get myself worked up about it, and end up feeling totally panicked and doing anything I can to avoid it. My counselor hypothesized that my loneliness would eventually outweigh my aversion to interacting with others, but I think its going to take a long while before it gets to that point. I am so tired of being lonely, of having no one to talk to and have fun with outside of my house. But I just can't make that leap. Don't get my wrong, I love my books and computer and everything else. But it can't replace meaningful human interaction. I guess it surprises me that after all the progress I've made in other areas, I feel that I've actually gotten worse in this one.

I guess I just miss my friend...

There is a line in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" that has brought me to tears every time.

"Sometimes I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged, their colors are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

My friend Adam's passing has hit me much harder than I expected. I am having such a hard time grasping it. I feel like I'm slow motion. My body and brain are exhausted. I have no one to talk to about it, and I don't know that I would, even if I did. I need my private time to grieve and to mull it all over.

At first, I was so concerned with the how and the why, but I have come to realize that none of that really matters. No matter how, no matter why, the outcome is the same. He's gone. Nothing anyone could say or do changes that. And while he was no longer a part of my daily life, my world seems so different. This is going to take me some time to assimilate.

We were cleaning out a storage closet on Monday, and I found some pictures of him. He was all smiles, it was such a perfect picture of how he was. I really had to struggle to hold back the tears. My kids don't know yet, and my SO, I've tried not to let on how much this is affecting me. I'm so conditioned from the years with my ex-husband. If something might bring on jealousy, then you keep your mouth shut, because jealousy brings on conflict and violence. I'm still too frightened of that to even risk it.

All week, I've been mulling over whether I should contact his mother. She is a mother of 2 sons, just like I am. I can't imagine the torment all this has caused her. Part of me wants to offer my condolences, to share my memories of her son, and offer up any insight I have into his life after he left her home. I have the means, but I am afraid, I suppose. I think that if I were in her shoes, I would want me to.

I wish I had something more profound to say about this whole situation, but right now, I don't. The grief and memories and questions have filled up my brain, and there's not room for much else. I guess I just miss my friend.

Goodbye to a friend

My friend Adam hadn't answered my emails. Our communication was only by email, and very sporadic. Today I checked his myspace page. On March 30, he passed away. I am completely in shock. I have so many questions, I don't know what happened to him, and probably I never will. I had known Adam since he was 19, he served in the Navy with my ex-husband. He tried to help me escape the life I was in, to show me that I deserved so much more. There was a time that it almost turned into a romance, but it wasn't worth risking his career and both of our safety over. We lost touch for quite some time, but he found me. We hadn't been in touch for a few months, and now he is gone. He was only 25 years old. I was so proud of the man he had become. He was always a good guy, but he had become an amazing man. He had figured out so much about the world, become so well-spoken. I have been in shock for most of the evening. Now the loss is hitting me. The tears have finally come. I will miss him so much.