I dreamt of my abuser last night. In my dream, he didn't hurt me, didn't touch me, didn't even come near me. I only caught a glimpse of him, and that was enough to put me in a state of fear and total loss of confidence. I woke up feeling those same feelings, in a way only he can make me feel, and they have stayed with me so far this morning. I haven't seen the man in 2 1/2 years. He is locked up in prison, and I know in my head that I am safe. I have a totally different life now. And yet, a simple dream, and I am right back in the thick of it. The saddest part for me is that all those feelings are thrust onto my fiance, and he ends up feeling like he is the bad guy, when really, its that ghost in my head that is to blame.
If I can't even stand up to him in my dreams, in my thoughts, what will happen if and when I have to face him one day? Will I be able to be strong, and show him that he can't push me around any more? Or will that scared, timid little girl that I carry around inside of me show her face, and let him know that he still has power over me?
It is easy to put on a happy face to the world, that I am confident and unafraid, that I have taken my power back, and he does not have control over me anymore. Its a lot harder to prove that to myself.
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