Monday, January 26, 2009

I'm feeling better. A little bit better. Still depressed, but not the deep, dark, want to stick my head in the oven kind of depression that I was feeling last week. Still feel low, but I feel more able to handle it. Still not able to focus worth a damn. Still totally unmotivated. I think my unmotivated is different than other people's unmotivated. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't go out of my way to do all the things I normally do, but some stuff still has to get done. So I get up and get dressed and make lunches and breakfasts and find A's lost shoe and fold a load of laundry and feed the animals and track down J's sweatshirt because it is cold and windy and raining, and no you are not going to school without a sweatshirt damnit!, before taking the kids to school at 7am, and then to work. I don't have the option to stay in bed and not function, depression or no depression.

I was planning on going back to school this semester, because it has been far too long since I stopped going, and if I'm ever going to get my degree, I've got to get back on track. But money is tight (books were going to cost about $400 for 2 classes. 2 classes that I've already taken, and was only taking again to brush up) and L is going to school, and basically, I found a bunch of excuses not to go. But I don't really feel bad about it, which is big for me. I beat myself up over not finishing school, being a total failure, all that good stuff, at pretty much every opportunity. I'm really trying hard to be nice to myself these days, because somebody's got to, so it may as well be me. So, while I would like to be in school, I'm not. I'm promising myself I'll work on some online classes I've found, but I accept that I probably won't. Following through is not my strong suit. I've decided that instead of compromising and going for a BA major I can finish quickly (whether its something that interests me or not), I'm going to commit myself for the long haul, and pursue my BS in something I actually want to pursue. What specifically, I don't know. I'm even considering math, because I'm a glutton for punishment like that. (I've actually been working on an algebra refresher course in my free time, just because I enjoy it. Yes, I am sick.)

While none of this directly has to do with DV, it does in a way. My relationship with my ex-husband made me give up on a lot of things. Including believing in myself, and my ability to complete school. I've beat myself up over this for so long. And I accepted for a long time that it just wasn't going to happen, that I wasn't capable, or that my life didn't have room for it. But I'm starting to be more OK with the fact that my dream got derailed for a lot of reasons, including the abuse, and it isn't the end of the world. Just because I had a kid (or 2) and dropped out and wasn't able to follow through, doesn't mean I can't keep working on it and finish. And I don't have to compromise on doing it the way I want to do it.

K, have to end here on a feeling good note, before I ruin it and put myself back in the doldrums (which you know in my head I'm already starting to).

Friday, January 16, 2009

And the Downward Spiral Begins...

I am depressed. I don't know if "depressed" even begins to describe it. I am sitting here at my desk at work, trying not to cry, trying desperately to focus on my work, on anything besides how damn miserable I feel right now. For the record, its not working. I can't focus, I can't get a damn thing done.

Things stink at home right now. They just do. Work's not much better. And I'm stuck in this place of not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to do anything about it. I just want to hide from it all and hope it goes away. And maybe cry a bit while I'm at it. Of course, that's just making things worse. But it's all I've got in me right now. Even if I wanted to talk about it, or had someone to talk about it to (which I don't) - what could I really say?

I am so angry at myself, so disappointed. Again, I know it could be sooo much worse. And I should be thankful for what I have. And that knowledge makes me feel even worse, because I'm not.

Its hard to have any perspective when all around you is darkness. I'm not capable of looking on the bright side right now. And since I am such an overanalyzer, and I catastrophize everything, and ruminate like nobody's business, the world looks really freaking bleak right now, and I don't have much hope that it will get any better, any time soon. Even if I knew what to do to make things better, I wouldn't have the energy or motivation to do it.