I guess I just miss my friend...

There is a line in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" that has brought me to tears every time.

"Sometimes I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged, their colors are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

My friend Adam's passing has hit me much harder than I expected. I am having such a hard time grasping it. I feel like I'm slow motion. My body and brain are exhausted. I have no one to talk to about it, and I don't know that I would, even if I did. I need my private time to grieve and to mull it all over.

At first, I was so concerned with the how and the why, but I have come to realize that none of that really matters. No matter how, no matter why, the outcome is the same. He's gone. Nothing anyone could say or do changes that. And while he was no longer a part of my daily life, my world seems so different. This is going to take me some time to assimilate.

We were cleaning out a storage closet on Monday, and I found some pictures of him. He was all smiles, it was such a perfect picture of how he was. I really had to struggle to hold back the tears. My kids don't know yet, and my SO, I've tried not to let on how much this is affecting me. I'm so conditioned from the years with my ex-husband. If something might bring on jealousy, then you keep your mouth shut, because jealousy brings on conflict and violence. I'm still too frightened of that to even risk it.

All week, I've been mulling over whether I should contact his mother. She is a mother of 2 sons, just like I am. I can't imagine the torment all this has caused her. Part of me wants to offer my condolences, to share my memories of her son, and offer up any insight I have into his life after he left her home. I have the means, but I am afraid, I suppose. I think that if I were in her shoes, I would want me to.

I wish I had something more profound to say about this whole situation, but right now, I don't. The grief and memories and questions have filled up my brain, and there's not room for much else. I guess I just miss my friend.

Goodbye to a friend

My friend Adam hadn't answered my emails. Our communication was only by email, and very sporadic. Today I checked his myspace page. On March 30, he passed away. I am completely in shock. I have so many questions, I don't know what happened to him, and probably I never will. I had known Adam since he was 19, he served in the Navy with my ex-husband. He tried to help me escape the life I was in, to show me that I deserved so much more. There was a time that it almost turned into a romance, but it wasn't worth risking his career and both of our safety over. We lost touch for quite some time, but he found me. We hadn't been in touch for a few months, and now he is gone. He was only 25 years old. I was so proud of the man he had become. He was always a good guy, but he had become an amazing man. He had figured out so much about the world, become so well-spoken. I have been in shock for most of the evening. Now the loss is hitting me. The tears have finally come. I will miss him so much.

An Introduction

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I hate that I still allow that to define me, but as much as I hate it, it is a huge part of who I am at this point in time. I was beaten, raped, terrorized and all other manner of things by the man I once called my husband. Friends and neighbors abandoned me (As one told me, she didn't need my drama invading her life), the police were useless (a detective for SDPD's DV unit told me that my situation wasn't that bad, and they were very short handed - I shouldn't be wasting their time. Another felt the need to remind me twice that it was a crime to file false police reports, and still another asked me what I had done to make him beat me), and the justice system slapped him on the wrist and sent him on his way. He is in prison now, for crimes committed against another young lady while he was supposedly following all the conditions of his probation. I have no reason to fear him at this point, but the fear has invaded the rest of my life. My experience with him opened my eyes to all the bad there is in the world, and that it very well could happen to me. I sometimes panic walking through a parking lot, or in a store. I feel so exposed - if someone decided to hurt me, what could I do to protect myself? I don't even know if I could scream - I lost my voice somewhere along the way. He was never punished, never had any real consequences for all he did to me and my sons. But I am punished every day. When my current SO reaches out to touch my face, I flinch as if he's going to hit me. Sex is a nightmare. I don't have friends - how can I trust anyone, after everyone I trusted abandoned me when I needed them the most?
And my poor kids. They were constantly interrogated by their father, told by him that he was going to kill me, and it was all my fault. They heard and saw me beaten, heard the rapes. The older one, who is 8, is so angry-he has every reason to be-and I don't know if he will ever really trust men again. The little one is very anxious-he chews his clothing to pieces, and has constant stomachaches. We have all had some counseling, and grown a great deal in the 2 years since we got him out of our life for good. But it's not gone, I doubt that it ever will be. My mind still reverts to old habits, at times. A smell, a sound, an occurrence, will bring it all back in an instance. But it gets better all the time, for all of us.
I've been working with my therapist on learning to hear my voice again. I have no idea what I like, what I want, how to make decisions about my own life, to have a life that is what I want and deserve. Learning to use that voice will be another thing, once I've got this whole listening thing down. She told me to find a way to express myself, and maybe to connect with others. Thus, this blog. I don't know how much it will be used - between work, school, kids, SO, home, etc. there isn't terribly much free time. But I'll get around to it every now and then.
I've rambled on much too long, and I doubt this makes sense to anyone but me. Oh well, I needed to say it all to begin with.