I guess I just miss my friend...

There is a line in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" that has brought me to tears every time.

"Sometimes I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged, their colors are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

My friend Adam's passing has hit me much harder than I expected. I am having such a hard time grasping it. I feel like I'm slow motion. My body and brain are exhausted. I have no one to talk to about it, and I don't know that I would, even if I did. I need my private time to grieve and to mull it all over.

At first, I was so concerned with the how and the why, but I have come to realize that none of that really matters. No matter how, no matter why, the outcome is the same. He's gone. Nothing anyone could say or do changes that. And while he was no longer a part of my daily life, my world seems so different. This is going to take me some time to assimilate.

We were cleaning out a storage closet on Monday, and I found some pictures of him. He was all smiles, it was such a perfect picture of how he was. I really had to struggle to hold back the tears. My kids don't know yet, and my SO, I've tried not to let on how much this is affecting me. I'm so conditioned from the years with my ex-husband. If something might bring on jealousy, then you keep your mouth shut, because jealousy brings on conflict and violence. I'm still too frightened of that to even risk it.

All week, I've been mulling over whether I should contact his mother. She is a mother of 2 sons, just like I am. I can't imagine the torment all this has caused her. Part of me wants to offer my condolences, to share my memories of her son, and offer up any insight I have into his life after he left her home. I have the means, but I am afraid, I suppose. I think that if I were in her shoes, I would want me to.

I wish I had something more profound to say about this whole situation, but right now, I don't. The grief and memories and questions have filled up my brain, and there's not room for much else. I guess I just miss my friend.