An Introduction

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I hate that I still allow that to define me, but as much as I hate it, it is a huge part of who I am at this point in time. I was beaten, raped, terrorized and all other manner of things by the man I once called my husband. Friends and neighbors abandoned me (As one told me, she didn't need my drama invading her life), the police were useless (a detective for SDPD's DV unit told me that my situation wasn't that bad, and they were very short handed - I shouldn't be wasting their time. Another felt the need to remind me twice that it was a crime to file false police reports, and still another asked me what I had done to make him beat me), and the justice system slapped him on the wrist and sent him on his way. He is in prison now, for crimes committed against another young lady while he was supposedly following all the conditions of his probation. I have no reason to fear him at this point, but the fear has invaded the rest of my life. My experience with him opened my eyes to all the bad there is in the world, and that it very well could happen to me. I sometimes panic walking through a parking lot, or in a store. I feel so exposed - if someone decided to hurt me, what could I do to protect myself? I don't even know if I could scream - I lost my voice somewhere along the way. He was never punished, never had any real consequences for all he did to me and my sons. But I am punished every day. When my current SO reaches out to touch my face, I flinch as if he's going to hit me. Sex is a nightmare. I don't have friends - how can I trust anyone, after everyone I trusted abandoned me when I needed them the most?
And my poor kids. They were constantly interrogated by their father, told by him that he was going to kill me, and it was all my fault. They heard and saw me beaten, heard the rapes. The older one, who is 8, is so angry-he has every reason to be-and I don't know if he will ever really trust men again. The little one is very anxious-he chews his clothing to pieces, and has constant stomachaches. We have all had some counseling, and grown a great deal in the 2 years since we got him out of our life for good. But it's not gone, I doubt that it ever will be. My mind still reverts to old habits, at times. A smell, a sound, an occurrence, will bring it all back in an instance. But it gets better all the time, for all of us.
I've been working with my therapist on learning to hear my voice again. I have no idea what I like, what I want, how to make decisions about my own life, to have a life that is what I want and deserve. Learning to use that voice will be another thing, once I've got this whole listening thing down. She told me to find a way to express myself, and maybe to connect with others. Thus, this blog. I don't know how much it will be used - between work, school, kids, SO, home, etc. there isn't terribly much free time. But I'll get around to it every now and then.
I've rambled on much too long, and I doubt this makes sense to anyone but me. Oh well, I needed to say it all to begin with.