Friday, January 16, 2009

And the Downward Spiral Begins...

I am depressed. I don't know if "depressed" even begins to describe it. I am sitting here at my desk at work, trying not to cry, trying desperately to focus on my work, on anything besides how damn miserable I feel right now. For the record, its not working. I can't focus, I can't get a damn thing done.

Things stink at home right now. They just do. Work's not much better. And I'm stuck in this place of not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to do anything about it. I just want to hide from it all and hope it goes away. And maybe cry a bit while I'm at it. Of course, that's just making things worse. But it's all I've got in me right now. Even if I wanted to talk about it, or had someone to talk about it to (which I don't) - what could I really say?

I am so angry at myself, so disappointed. Again, I know it could be sooo much worse. And I should be thankful for what I have. And that knowledge makes me feel even worse, because I'm not.

Its hard to have any perspective when all around you is darkness. I'm not capable of looking on the bright side right now. And since I am such an overanalyzer, and I catastrophize everything, and ruminate like nobody's business, the world looks really freaking bleak right now, and I don't have much hope that it will get any better, any time soon. Even if I knew what to do to make things better, I wouldn't have the energy or motivation to do it.


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