non-Physical Abuse

I belong to an online Domestic Violence Support Group. Another member recently asked the group to share their experiences of verbal abuse. Below is my response. I wanted to put it up here, because I think it explains a lot about what the life of an abused woman is like (or at least, what it was like for me), outside of the physical abuse. The truth is, the physical abuse is only a small part of the big picture, but that is the part that is most recognized in media, etc. I could add a lot more to what I wrote, about how my life was for those years, but I didn't want to make it any longer than it already is.

"I am a survivor of emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuse. While the physical wounds heal, the physical and sexual abuse are really just another tool they use to further the emotional abuse - the hitting isn't about the physical wounds they can cause, it is about putting them in control, breaking us down emotionally, making us afraid. And physical/sexual abuse rarely happens by itself, and is normally not the first kind of abuse the abuser will use. If the victim is not broken down by the verbal and emotional abuse, they probably wouldn't stand for the physical and sexual abuse. When people say that they would rather have the physical abuse than the verbal/emotional, I really feel they don't understand what someone like me has gone through. The emotional effects of the physical and sexual violence have been very tough to deal with going forward - it is impossible for me to have a "normal" relationship with my current partner, because sex and being touched and things like that are a nightmare for me. It is not the physical violence itself that is at issue, it is the emotional effects of the physical/sexual violence that are long-lasting, in much the same way as those of the emotional/verbal abuse. I am not meaning to come down on anyone for the things they have said, or in any way minimize the horrible damage done by emotional and verbal abuse - I understand the toll this kind of abuse takes, I was a victim of it as well. I just feel that it is important for others here to understand what I and other women like me have been through, and that different kinds of abuse do not exist in a vacuum, they are interconnected. When a woman says to me that her husband isn't that bad, because he is only verbally/emotionally abusive and controlling, women need to understand that it is not the case that physical abusers are a totally different kind of animal - they are just at a different point on the continuum and could move to the level of physical violence under the right circumstances (and yes, all of us have said that he would never do that, if we believed he would, we would never have gotten involved with him)

As far as emotional/verbal abuse goes:
I was terrorized by my ex, constantly kept on my toes - he was so unpredictable. Nothing I ever did was right. Everything bad that ever happened was my fault in one way or another. I was a whore - everything I did was for the direct purpose of cheating on him. Telemarketer calls or wrong numbers were just a sneaky way for me to talk with my many boyfriends, according to him. There were so many rules about what I was to do and not do, and they were always changing, and no matter how hard I tried to follow them, he would always find some way I slipped up, or change the rules on me again. I was stupid (he used to tell me I was the stupidest smart person he ever met - I have an IQ of 160, enough college units to get my masters degree), I was a horrible mother, I was an awful wife, I couldn't keep house, I couldn't cook, I couldn't drive right, iron his clothes correctly, and on and on. I was the reason his friends wouldn't come around, that his latest mistress broke up with him, that he was passed over again for a promotion. All my friends and family were just trying to poison me against him and control my life, it was none of their business what went on in our household. Threats were made against my friends, family, and any man I ever got involved with (after the marraige was over). Everything I did was to try to ruin his life, or make him look bad. Even after I left him, he would show up at my house or my job or my friends houses, spy on me, read my mail/email, check the caller ID on my phone. I had to account for every minute of my time - if I didn't show up at home until 5 minutes later than usual after work, I must have been out fooling around (this is 2 years after I left the jerk!). He would threaten to kill or hurt himself, and say it was my fault, that everyone would blame me. He spread rumors about me among the moms at my kids school and among our mutual friends - that he was the caring, devoted father and husband, and I was a whore running around with men while he took care of our kids. He used scripture from the Bible to try to show me what an awful person I was and that I was going to hell.

Threats of physical violence and sexual assault were constant, and much more common than actual violence. I was constantly told that he was going to kill me, run away with my kids. And when that happened, no one would bother to show up to my funeral because no one gave a damn what happened to me. Usually physical/sexual violence was used if the emotional abuse/terrorizing/manipulation didn't work. After raping me he would tell me what a dead f**k I was was, how much all his other girls enjoyed having sex with him, etc. He delighted in telling me how inadequate I was sexually, how awful my body was (I am 5'7" and weighed 110lbs or less at that time). But as awful as I was physically, that was all any man would ever want of me.

Jeez, I haven't thought about a lot of this stuff in quite awhile. It helps to remember sometimes, so I can see how far I've come since then, and remember why it has been so tough."

Dreaming of you...

I dreamt of my abuser last night. In my dream, he didn't hurt me, didn't touch me, didn't even come near me. I only caught a glimpse of him, and that was enough to put me in a state of fear and total loss of confidence. I woke up feeling those same feelings, in a way only he can make me feel, and they have stayed with me so far this morning. I haven't seen the man in 2 1/2 years. He is locked up in prison, and I know in my head that I am safe. I have a totally different life now. And yet, a simple dream, and I am right back in the thick of it. The saddest part for me is that all those feelings are thrust onto my fiance, and he ends up feeling like he is the bad guy, when really, its that ghost in my head that is to blame.

If I can't even stand up to him in my dreams, in my thoughts, what will happen if and when I have to face him one day? Will I be able to be strong, and show him that he can't push me around any more? Or will that scared, timid little girl that I carry around inside of me show her face, and let him know that he still has power over me?

It is easy to put on a happy face to the world, that I am confident and unafraid, that I have taken my power back, and he does not have control over me anymore. Its a lot harder to prove that to myself.