No Sense in being Rational

There are some days that those feelings of being unsafe come back with a vengeance. Usually, it is nothing in particular that brings them back, a stray thought, a glimpse of someone on the street that reminds me of him in the slightest of ways. Tonight, I don't know what it was. But here I find myself, long after my family has gone to bed for the night, searching every place I can find online for any trace of me or my kids. Because I know if he decides to find us, he will search high and low. And if I can find it with a search or two online, I know full well that he will be able to find it. I put up such a brave front most of the time. But in all honesty, I am afraid. He is in prison for 2 years more, but the day will come when he is released, and I do have to think about what we will do then.

Maybe we will get lucky, and he will disappear off the face of the earth, and never bother us again. Or maybe my life will become a living hell again. Maybe he will snatch my children off the street, or be waiting for me outside my house when I come home. All the maybes are unlikely, but even that small chance is enough to make me worry for the next 2+ years.

I think a lot about what we will do when he is released. We will be notified ahead of time, and know where he is going, who his parole officer will be, what the terms of his parole will be. But that is no guarantee of anything. He really has no reason to come back here, unless he has the intention of looking for me and the kids. In my head, I know the best thing to do will be to go about our lives as normally as possible, and at most, be a little more watchful. But I am afraid, and I want to run and hide away with my family, somewhere where he never will find us, at least for a little while.

I used to be afraid everywhere I went, before he was locked up. Those fears are already coming back to me, even though his release is 2 years away. What would I do, how would I react if I ran into him in the mall or the grocery store, or in a parking lot somewhere? What should I do? What if he shows up at the kids' school, or outside my door? I don't have an answer for that, any of it. I suppose I won't until it happens. And I'll just have to hope until then that it never does.

All the fear and the worry just allows for him to continue to screw up my life. I have not seen him in more than 3 years now, and my life is so much better than it was then. And yet, the damage he did is still here. And I don't see it going anywhere, anytime soon.