My Latest Dysfunctionality

I realized this weekend an increasing aversion to being around other people. For the better part of a year, I have been struggling with an intense lonliness. Since I got out of the forced isolation that was imposed by my ex, I haven't repopulated my life with friends. When I was forcibly isolated, I would seek out the company of others, even at the risk of my safety. Mind you, I've never been a particularly social person, never had a huge number of friends to begin with. But now, there are a total of zero. None. Outside of my SO, I have nobody. On Saturday, he had some friends in town visiting, and invited me to hang out since they are a couple of moms. I was so uncomfortable and felt so out of place. I did everything I could not to have anything to do with these women. I sat by myself, or in the car, I absorbed myself in my book. After the kids finished skateboarding, we were all going to go to dinner together, but I wimped out and came home to be by myself. I see myself doing the same thing in other situations. At the gym, or in yoga, I do my exercises and go home - no socializing. Even looking people in the eye or any sort of social gesture is very hard for me with people I don't already know. It's interesting, because if I have a reason to interact with someone, say for work, I am fine. I can interact with my customers, co-workers, etc with no problem. However, things like making unsolicited phone calls are tough. I over analyze, get myself worked up about it, and end up feeling totally panicked and doing anything I can to avoid it. My counselor hypothesized that my loneliness would eventually outweigh my aversion to interacting with others, but I think its going to take a long while before it gets to that point. I am so tired of being lonely, of having no one to talk to and have fun with outside of my house. But I just can't make that leap. Don't get my wrong, I love my books and computer and everything else. But it can't replace meaningful human interaction. I guess it surprises me that after all the progress I've made in other areas, I feel that I've actually gotten worse in this one.