Friday, October 17, 2008

Sexual Healing

This entry isn't exactly graphic, but if you are not comfortable hearing about sexual abuse/rape, please skip this one.

Unfortunately my sexuality suffered a huge blow under my abusive ex, and has been very slow to heal. He was my first sexual partner, and I don't remember ever having enjoyed sex with him. It was very obvious that our sexual relationship was all for him - the only reason he ever did anything was to give himself pleasure, even if it was disguised as something for me to enjoy. As time went on, he went to more and more extreme lengths to get off. In the beginning, I was so eager to please him, and I willingly did a lot of things I didn't want to, to that end. But after awhile it was all just a sense of obligation and fear. I hated having sex with him. They way he would talk to me, how he looked at me, it just disgusted me. I was fully aware that he was sleeping around with other women (and I didn't find out until later, but other men as well). But I was supposed to be the dutiful wife, doing whatever it took to please my man, and he did everything he could to push me to do that. There were things, especially toward the end of the marriage, that he tried to push me into doing, and attempted to physically force upon me, most of which I was able to get out of. As the marriage came to an end, things got infinitely worse. I finally started to stand up for myself and say no to him. I'm sure you can guess how well that went over. Every time we had sex after that point was an act of rape, in one way or another. The first few times he acted sorry, but obviously wasn't. He didn't even bother with the act after that. After we had separated, the physical and sexual violence continued to worsen. Over time, I started to be able to take the physical violence to a degree. Of course it was still terrifying, but his threats of violence, and relatively minor beatings didn't phase me. He would threaten to hit me if I didn't give in to him sexually, and I would take it. I was so tired of backing down from him. He was very intuitive where the abuse was concerned, and figured out right quick that rape was a very effective tactic. It took 2 forms, mainly. Sometimes he would threaten extreme physical violence if I didn't give in to him. I knew he was capable of it under the right circumstances, and sometimes I would give in. Other times, he didn't bother with that, and would just physically force me. One of his favorite ways to do this was to come into the house while I was sleeping, and I would wake up to find him on me. I slept in the same room as my kids, so he knew I wouldn't make a big scene over it, for fear of them waking up and seeing what was happening.
To anyone who has not experienced domestic violence, I'm sure all of this seems absurd. Why would I allow this to happen to me, why didn't I do something about it? I did try. Police were less than receptive. Even after I had a restraining order, when I would call , they would usually just tell him to leave. After my current SO and I were dating, my ex raped me for the last time. My SO called the police for me. They talked to my ex first, and allowed him into my house while they were talking to me. The police officers told me that my story wasn't believable (why would a husband need to rape his wife, after all) , and that what they thought had happened was the sex was consensual, and I told my boyfriend it was rape so that he wouldn't get angry with me. They warned me against making false police reports(!), and let him go on his merry way. They didn't even include my side of the story in the police report, or the fact that I had a protective order, so he shouldn't have been at my house in the first place. (Remind me why I don't trust the police again!)
I find myself falling into old habits with my SO, often. Through no fault of his own, I am afraid of him sexually. I hate to be touched most of the time. I don't want him to desire me. He asks me why I don't wear makeup or try to make myself look nice anymore, and I think that is why. If I am not attractive to him, maybe he'll leave me alone (for the record, its not working). He tries to be understanding, but really, how much can you expect from a guy? To him, what goes on in the bedroom is just play, its not real. But I am unable to interpret it in that way. Much of what he does I find as threatening - I don't choose how to react, my body just does it.
I've been in therapy, but this has only gotten worse as time goes on. I don't know how to heal, how to make this part of my life better. Sexuality is supposed to be one of the enjoyable aspects of human existence. Instead, it has become like torture to me. I don't have much hope that this will even completely go away. My fears and feelings over this are killing my current relationship. We both spend a lot of time being upset, because he can't understand why I react in the way I do, and I can't make this go away.