Sunday, December 16, 2007

Do they ever really go away?

It has been over 2 years since I last saw my abuser. A lot has changed in that time. Unfortunately, more has stayed the same than I like to admit - my healing process is lagging far behind my expectations. Even in that, I push myself to be an overacheiver, and it is disheartening that I am not meeting my own expectations. Every one tells me, give it time, things will get better. Well, goddamn it, 2 years seems like plenty of time, and I want it to be better right now. I am tired of being this way. I just want to be normal. Unfortunately, normal seems like an unreachable goal. I really have my doubts that I will ever be what I consider to be "normal" ever again.

The real reason for this post is that my ex (hereafter known as Knucklehead) has been resurfacing a bit lately. He is currently serving a 5 year sentence in state prison for child molestation (he has served a total of 8 days in prison for all of the abuse against me). I have a civil restraining order against him that covers me and my children, and the divorce granted me complete physical and legal custody, and no visitation rights to him. When he first went to prison in August 2006, he wrote me and the kids laughable letters (apparently, he has done nothing wrong in the eyes of the Lord, and he forgives me for all that I have done to hurt him, and knows that I will be waiting for him, so we can resume our happy family life together when he gets out. And he told the kids that I am the reason he is no longer in their life, and that he is in prison now. As if I wasn't going to read the letters if I had any intention of giving them to the kids at all. Which I did not). I made a call to the prison, and they nipped that in the bud straight away.

Recently we have started getting letters addressed to the kids from Knucklehead's father, a.) as if I would give them to the kids, and b.) leave us the heck alone already! Knucklehead's family had next to nothing to do with our children when we were together, and has completely disappeared off the map for the past 2+ years. And now they want to be involved with them?! Uh, no way. So, the letters have been returned to sender. They have been re-sent 2 more times since, and again returned. And they will continue to be returned no matter how many times they come back. I suppose if it continues, I will have to take a more direct approach. But I'm hoping if I keep sending them back, he will give up. He is as toxic as his son, and I would prefer not to have anything to do with him.

On top of that, there was a man in front of us in line at the post office last weekend that bore a striking resemblance to Knucklehead. It was all I could do to force myself to stay in line, and not have a panic attack. Once outside, my older son indicated that he had noticed him too, and it "totally creeped him out." Which was, sadly, a relief to hear. Sometimes I just need confirmation that I'm not totally off my rocker for the way I feel.